Updated: Feb 3
Well, I know it’s past Thanksgiving week, but my friends and I are doing Friendsgiving tonight (December 3rd), which means it’s time to give thanks!
I know, I know, I’ve been away for a while- on YouTube, on Instagram, on the blog, on the podcast, just everywhere. I get it. I know I haven’t been present and I haven’t been able to keep up, but finally I think I’ll be able to. Really quick, if you haven’t seen my interview with Instagram Vlogger Calvin Chu & my editor-in-chief Yingru Huang, please!
Listen to it by clicking this link here: https://anchor.fm/lifeonpointeradio/episodes/More-Ellie-feat--Calvin-Chu--Yingru-Huang-e9a29n
Or watch on YouTube here: https://youtu.be/yGqhW6CIv4c
I can’t believe we are already in December. 2019 is coming to a close and it’s coming at such a fast pace. So much has happened this year, and heck, my whole life just took a turn (some for bad, some for good!) in a direction I never imagined I would be going down. So here I am, sharing everything that happened since I last wrote to you, which was in August and has been deleted for a while now.
The reason I deleted that post, by the way, was because of the serious accusations, labels, and negativity coming at me surrounding that post. I was shocked by the amount of negativity and decided to take the post down. A bit later, I started getting comments on my weight, my size, and my shape, with comments such as “Eat a g**damn pizza” & “Grow some boobs & get an a$$.” Classy guys, real classy. In response to that, I wrote on snapchat:
To the several comments I’ve been getting about how much weight I’ve lost & how I should “Grow some boobs & get an a$$” and “fatten up” and “eat a g**damn pizza” and other derogatory comments, let me just say a couple of things:
1. I once overcame an anorexic lifestyle and refused to be unhealthy. I’m a freaking victor. 2. Keep your eyes on my face, not my boobs or my a$$ (perv).
3. My fat to muscle ratio is perfectly healthy, thank you very much. I could kill a pizza by myself if I really wanted to.
4. My body is MY body. It’s amazing, my ability and strength is beyond my comprehension, and I treasure every stretch mark, every scar, every part of it.
Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Many of my friends messaged me with love and support and even some of my girl-friends and friends I haven’t spoken to in a while reconnected with me over this topic of body image. But even with this support, I couldn’t bring myself to write another blogpost being vulnerable about my life & my process. But after recording a podcast with two of my friends Calvin & Yingru & sharing with them about my fear, I felt like I had the strength and confidence to start writing, filming, & posting again.
So that’s reason no. 1 I am thankful: my friends, new and old.
This past year, the blessing of God was every single toxic person that was in my life suddenly just walked away. People I considered to be friends or people I trusted proved me wrong, and those I wasn’t giving a chance to ended up showing me what true and real friendship looks like. I told my parents that this is the first time in my entire life where I feel like I am surrounded by people who genuinely care about me who I can trust wholeheartedly. This is the first time in my entire life that I feel like I am surrounded by real friends.
Reason no. 2 I am thankful: new beginnings.
This one is loaded. This year was freaking hell, I’m sorry. It was full of tragedy, loss, injustice, pain, and suffering.
One of the things I suffered from was being in a verbally abusive relationship for far longer than I should have. I was so hurt and it got to the point where I said, “God, I’m done. My track record with guys sucks and I keep getting my heart broken. You pick the person I’m supposed to be with because I’m done.” Not even a couple of weeks after I prayed that prayer, one of my closest friends asked me out. I can say with the most confidence that I’ve never been treated with so much love, integrity, & kindness from someone I’ve ever thought to date or dated. I’ve never known what it’s like to be in a relationship that is so positive and full of joy. Sometimes I just sit in silence utterly shocked at the blessing he is and that I get to have him as my best friend. So reason no. 3 I am thankful: Jon, the man who helped me raise my standards.
Another new beginning came after I got scammed and was at risk of my identity being stolen from me. That was one of the lowest points for me this year. Reason no. 4 I am thankful: my clients and my business. My clients are some of the most genuine, generous, amazing people, and as a businesswoman, it is important to me to build relationship with them. Through some I have met a ton of people from all calibers of life, in the arts and entertainment, in business, in sports, in government, it’s been incredible to meet new friends who are generous enough to keep my business going. I’m so thankful for the clientele I am privileged to steward.
I overcame anxiety. That’s reason no. 5 I am thankful. I have not struggled with anxiety or a panic attack since the end of August, so praise Jesus! I really do owe it to Him for stepping into my life the way He did, how He just came in and showed Himself to me in a totally new way, guiding my every step and whispering instructions in my ear. Considering the amount of craziness that has been happening, it genuinely has shown me that God is more powerful than my constant fear, and He’s proved that He will take it from me.
Reason no. 6 is my family. This year, my great-grandmother passed away. I went and visited her probably the most I’d ever visited towards the end of her life, and I was so happy I got to hear her stories and sit with her and talk about the things she liked. I got to know her, and she got to know me. Towards the end of her life, we bonded, and for me, it was truly a blessing. After her passing, I started to view my family differently. Where I was so self-focused in my life before and didn’t consider my family’s needs or feelings, I began to feel my heart soften and a greater love grew for them. Being apart from them for three months was incredibly difficult, but somehow it made us stronger. My relationship with my family for the first time ever is the strongest and healthiest it’s ever been, and I am so thankful for that.
Of course, where would I be without dance. Reason no. 7, I am thankful for my body and my ability to dance. I actually wrote a letter to myself the other day, and I’d like to share it:
For the last several years, I have cursed you in my frustration when you wouldn’t comply with what my ballet teachers asked of you. For years, I never considered how much you do for me. You give me the ability to speak a language that can only be expressed from the heart, through the body, and to the soul. You give me freedom, you give me strength. You have pushed past boundaries that have caused you incredible pain, and when people told me I was too fat or that I should consider coffee and cigarettes, I began to starve you. I’m sorry for not being there to take care of you the way you deserved when you religiously served my desires and my dreams. I want to say thank you. Thank you for recovering miraculously from a back injury, from multiple twists and sprains, pulled muscles, and dislocated bones. Thank you for recovering so I can keep doing what I love. Thank you for the blood, the sweat, and the tears you pour out on behalf of my dreams. Thank you for the days that are easy, and thank you for still showing up on the days that are hard. I’m proud to be in this body, with this set of muscles and this bone structure, to be this size and this shape. You are beautiful, with every scar, every stretch mark, every way you move, you are absolutely beautiful.
It feels weird that after I finish performing Nutcracker with Pasadena Dance Theatre, I will be taking a step back from dance. With the swing of hires that happened within the past couple of years, ballet is more cutthroat than ever, and without being contracted to a ballet company this next year, I will be staying in shape, continuing doing what I love, and will train for Solo Seal (the equivalent to someone getting your PhD in a major) Awards in 2021. Ballet, for the first time since I was seven years old, will not be on the forefront of my mind.
Reason no. 8 I am thankful: For God in His wisdom, His grace, & His guidance.
Every year, I ask God to give me a directive word for the new year. In December of 2018 He said, “This is the year you will face your giants, and this year will set you up for the next decade of your life.” I began to ask Him in October as I do every year, finishing off the last three months contending for God’s heart for me, my family, & prophetically for my friends and church family. He answered my personal directive word much earlier than ever before and said, “I am calling you into one year of ministry within the four walls of the church.”
One day I will share why, but I had many reservations with that for so many reasons. I had never felt called to ministry within the church; since God was already there, why on earth did I need to be? I want to see God move in the marketplace, in day to day life, in the “real world!” A few days later, I was having breakfast with (Grand) Mama Sue Ahn and she asked me to share my testimony of my rededication during communion for Hrock Church’s Service the next morning. I agreed only because Holy Spirit told me to say yes, and out of obedience I did. And that morning as I stood sharing my testimony, I felt God calling me to this place. I told Evy, a close family friend what I felt God was saying and told him I didn’t want to and that I didn’t feel ready.
Fast forward to a month later when a need arose, and God called me into the seat and position. Being a fixer-type personality, I decided not to offer to take it even though I felt in my spirit that God was saying to go for it. I decided to wait it out and out of the blew one day, I was chatting with my mom about something that God was speaking to me about and I brought up a prophetic word I received from World Revivalist Miranda Nelson. My mom suggested we listen to this prophetic word I was referring to, and in the process, we ended up listening to one I received from her when I was 12 years old, not to mention it was not the one I was not referring to. Long story short, the prophetic word Miranda gave me when I was 12 years old confirmed what God was saying to me. My mom and I looked at each other and I immediately said, “No, don’t say it!”
As it is confidential for now, I won’t allude to what it is, but I am so thankful to God for speaking to me, even when I try to run away, He still makes sure that His voice is clear and above every other voice. Yes, my life is going to look very different than I thought it would look, but I am inspired and at peace knowing that God is my rock, my fortress, and my shield; that in my obedience He will bless me and reward me for taking up my cross and following Him.
Reason no. 9 I am thankful: Growth & Life.
I’m thankful that I get to live this life I’ve been blessed to live, and I am thankful for the upcoming months and year ahead of me, for the things God will do within that time period. When I think of all the things I have been through, overcame, and learned in this past year, I am blown away. 2019 has been by far somehow both the longest and fastest year of my life. It has been full of fire and warfare and purification, but I know I’m at the end of that season, that my giants have fallen. I overcame by the power of the blood of Jesus and the word of my testimony. 2020 is going to be my year of breakthrough. The next decade is going to be the best years of my life thus far… I know that because I feel it in my bones.
I know this blogpost was full of God and testimonies, but that’s my life, full of God and full of testimonies. I don’t know the direction for Life On Pointe at this particular moment, and honestly it’s probably going to be put on hold for the next little while, but I know I will keep writing, keep podcasting, and keep you all updated on social media for sure. But as I have changed and grown, so must LIFE ON POINTE.
Reason no. 10 I am thankful: You. Thank you for supporting me, for reading this, for listening and dedicating your time to spend reading and listening and watching my journey and my growth process. I am thankful to have people like you in my life.
Happy belated Thanksgiving! I hope this holiday season and the year to come is full of joy and blessings.